I think im going to throw up on grandma
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize