I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
