Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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