He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
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