god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Randomize