I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
