woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
