I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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