I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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