Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
