It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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