I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
babies were throwing up all over the place
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
