Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
