my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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