woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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