Can i not drive my cunt home
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
