We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Just pee around me
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
