paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
