shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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