i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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