I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
My liver just broke up with me...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
