My room smells like vodka and shame
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
