just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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