Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
