Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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