My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
