I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
