forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
