also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
