A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
