apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
