I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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