Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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