Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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