I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
