your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
