if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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