gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
