He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
