im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
