Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
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