we have pet lesbian snakes
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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