you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
