My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
