Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
