a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
