Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
