No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
