***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
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