My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Randomize
