Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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