My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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