I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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