Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
