he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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