I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
how does that bad decision feel?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
