I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
