I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
